Courage.

"Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord."
Psalms 31: 24

Every night I think I cry before going to bed. Now I do not say that to make people sad. I will admit most nights it is out of sadness, desperation, anger, confusion, and just postpartum hormonal issues. But there have been several nights it is out of hope, love, encouragement, and the feeling of gratefulness. I am finding so many wonderful blessings through our experience at the NICU.

The NICU has a parent support group called Common Bonds. Every Wednesday night they have a pizza dinner, and every Thursday they have a scrapbook class for the mommies (or daddies and grandmas). The women (there might be men but I haven't seen any yet) who are in charge of this group are ALL NICU mommies who have experienced 15-200+ day NICU stays with some of their children. I am so appreciative of these people and their efforts. These two weekly events have given me a place to feel "normal." We get each others lingo, we share similar emotions, we all understand what it is to watch our very small innocent child(ren) be in pain. Most important we all understand the guilt, whether it is misplaced or not, that comes from the "what if I had done something different." And knowing that these ladies are on the other side and are still going strong, and really are now stronger gives me courage. Not all of them have their children here on Earth anymore.

On Wednesday nights they also bring gifts around to the babies and parents. Tonight I received a gift that has touched my heart, and I think has set me on a new path. I received a Ryan's Lion, his name is Courage. I don't even know if I can explain to you how this has made me feel. When they gave him to me and Juliet I thought "well isn't he cute." But once I came home and read the brochure that he came with it started to touch my heart. I then went to the the website and researched this gesture. He is something tangible that says, "I've been there too." As I started to realize all of the many families that have faced illness, loss, pain, and tragedy my heart felt full of sympathy, empathy, and something else. I began to feel a fullness that I haven't felt in years. I have felt courage again. Juliet has given me back my courage. These women have given me back my courage. And now I have a lion to remind me of that courage. Each lion is numbered because there aren't very many. I have #170. Someday if or when we get to a point we don't need him to remind us of our courage, we may pass him onto someone who needs him more than we do.

I hope that someday I will be fortunate enough to donate to organizations that support those who are going through trials. In fact I am finding so much joy in reaching out to the other mommies in the NICU that I even forget sometimes that Juliet is not considered a "well child." In fact for at least the first year of her life she is considered legally disabled. Many moms I talk to have full-term babies with minor NICU issues and have already came and have left in the 2 weeks we have been there. And they are all shocked to find out after I reached out to them that I have a 26 weeker. My situation seems so much worse than theirs, so why am I comforting them? But I tell them all the same thing, that it is what heals me. I am doing what I can but most important I tell them I have hope in the Lord that he will give me strength. I am so blessed to have Juliet to remind me who I am. And I look forward to finding more service opportunities. Maybe I will be on the other end in a year or two and help future micro preemie moms find their way. Now don't get me wrong, if Juliet takes a turn for the very worst... well lets just not go there yet, or ever. :-)

If you have a minute please go to www.RyansLion.org and read about this amazing gesture made to those in need. And here is more info on who supports the hospital that provides Juliet her care: http://intermountainhealthcare.org/communitysupport/giving/uvfoundation/Pages/home.aspx